Day 22 - Athens: Rest in Peace

So today's blog isn't happy. It isn't witty or clever. It isn't insightful or historically full of facts. It's not even on time.

While I was on the way back from dinner last night I got a phone call. Yesterday (August 19th) was my Mum's birthday and I'd phoned her earlier in the day. Her number flashed up on Henry's phone which was odd... I answered but I couldn't really hear anything.

Then the line became clear and I heard her sobbing. Dad took the phone off of her and said with devastation in his voice... 'your Grandad has died'

The world stopped.

It's an odd saying, 'the world stopped' isn't it? Obviously it didn't, but what feels like hours go past while your brain tries to process the information it's just been given. It was probably only seconds but it felt like an age.

I didn't even know what to say. What to do. Where to go...

I froze and listened to Dad tell me what had happened. I don't even really remember what he said. It wasn't until he's said 'died' again that it really struck me. I started to cry.

The tram was full and all I was doing was sitting there on the phone crying my eyes out in front of all these strangers.

What the fuck was I supposed to do? What do I say to my Dad? What do you say to a man, to your father, who has always been the big strong one whose looked after you all your life, when all you can hear is hurt and pain in his voice? What do you say to a man who, at 50, has just lost his Dad whom he adored?

I sat in silence. We both did.

Eventually I blurted out through the tears that I'd ring him when I got back to the hotel. I hung up and that's when it hit me. I was 1400 miles away from the place I needed to be and from the people I needed to be with. Unless it's happened to you, you have no idea what that even begins to feel like. To be away, supposedly having fun, seeing the world, having the time of your life and then in a heartbeat it's gone. The happiness, the excitement, the fun. I felt selfish for being away. For not being where at his bedside. For not saying goodbye.

It took me all of five minutes to tell Henry what had happened. Good job he was there really. The thought of being isolated in a foreign country alone utterly petrified me.

The tram ride seemed to go on forever. It normally takes about forty minutes to get back to the hotel but it felt like twice that. We got back and I phoned Mum. She sounded worse than Dad.

My Grandad was 83. His name was Michael Sidney Cavner. He lived through World War Two, in the aftermath of which he met my Nan, Doris. They married and they raised two children together who have each had two grandchildren whom they adore. He founded a business that has supported both his family and his son's families for more than 50 years. He bought a farm in 1991 and bred cows, pigs, sheep, chickens, ducks, geese, turkeys and rabbits. On August 19th he was making a cup of tea for my Nan and himself when he collapsed. He was rushed to hospital but he died of an aortic bleed in his heart. He passed away quietly and peacefully with his family around him.

All of them, except me of course.

Now, some might question why I feel it necessary or important to write a massive blog when someone so close to me has passed away.

I say this to those people.

It's funny how different people grieve. For me, writing things down and making literal sense of things whether on physical paper or on that of a word document is what, right now, is helping.

I'm going to book a flight home in the morning for the funeral. I'm going to stay for about 10 days and help my Nan and family. To stay away would be selfish. I'm missing out Israel on my trip and I'll just skip straight to Moscow. It's probably my mindset right now, but there is a real chance I could just stay at home. I don't even know why.

Now, a word for my boy. Imagine being on holiday having a lovely time with your boyfriend and then all of a sudden him being in tears in the middle of a tram. Without doubt, without him I would be lost. A hug was all I needed. He made me feel safe instantly. I'd have been lost without him.

My Grandad died today. His name was Michael Sidney Cavner. He was 83 years old and I loved him.

I will miss him a lot.

Everything is going to change now, isn't it...