The tour started in Sorrento, about an hour from Naples on the train, I had to get up at 6.30am. Eurgh. Got to the train station back at Garibaldi for the 8.13am train, or as I like to call it, the carriages of mayhem. They were packed, the train was made up of 4 carriages and was utterly crammed. Needless to say, for €2 I couldn't moan too much. The train is run by a small company who run the trains back and forth to Sorrento and Naples and no where else. It is the only way to get to Sorrento and the track is probably 60 years old.
It dips in and out of valleys and through towns along the way, until about 10 minutes from Sorrento, it dives into a tunnel about 1/2 mile long. At the end, it emerges into what I shall now call the Valley of Death. The train goes over the valley, across a bridge no wider than the train itself. Even the locals on the train made a noise resembling what my head was saying .... I.e. 'oh my fucking Jesus Christ, Mary mother of God, Joseph and the donkey they rode in on'. But you'll be glad to know I kept my cool.
Alas, at the next station, the carriage went from crammed to disgustingly revoltingly crammed. The only way I can describe it, is imagine you're a foetus... In the womb... Without oxygen... And with 2,000 other people... None of whom speak English. Basically, imagine your worst nightmare and times it by 36,000,000... Then you're close to how I felt in that train; sardines have more room in a can.
Finally got to Serrento (after what felt like 9 months) and we exited the train (in much the same fashion as a baby exits a vagina - that is, slowly and painfully) onto the platform. I lingered to let the crowds pass before leaving the station, but as it got to a safe point to leave, another train arrived and just as many, if not more people got onto the platform.... I ran for it.
I was meeting my skipper at 10, and the train got in at 9.36 so I lingered at the station and then a very attractive young man walked up to me and said 'Sebastiano' who was the guy taking the tour, and lead me half way through Sorrento to a small courtyard and said 'you wait, with me, soon we go'. It was like something out of a film.
Needless to say, the young man didn't speak a word of English beyond what he has already said..... Sebastiano soon arrived with the rest his family; I had already met Ronaldo, his eldest son and he had another son and daughter (twins - Enrico and Tamo) and his wife.
Following behind were the two other people who were coming on the tour with us; two Brits, from Ilford in East London, one of whom I later found out had been to Loughborough Uni; small world hey!
We walked through the town to the harbour and jumped on the boat, a 30ft ribbed speed boat. I jumped on the front, the other two Brits at the back and the elder son who'd met me at the train station sat down opposite me with his brother (who was equally as beautiful) and their sister sat next to me.
We set out from the harbour along the coast with Sebastiano pointing out things to the other Brits and Ronaldo, Enrico and Tamo telling me things. It was lovely. So anyway, we pulled up in a tiny cove and dropped anchor. All of a sudden, the entire family were stripping off and getting ready to swim... Enrico and Ronaldo wore the smallest shorts I have ever seen and Tamo's breasts were crammed into her bikini top and looked like two ferrets in a bag. Once stripped, they jumped in and I swiftly followed.
We swam towards a cliff face and then Ronaldo, took my hand and said 'breathe, under, follow me' and he dragged me under the water just as I took a deep breath. He pulled me up into a tiny cave which glistened green and orange... It was the most beautiful thing. I was speechless.
Had I have had a waterproof camera, you'd have been able to see, but I guess this one is just for me...
We were treading water while Sebastiano told us that this was the cave of lovers, and it was good luck to kiss twice the person on each side of you. On my left I had the Sebastiano's wife and the other, I had Enrico. We kissed on each others cheeks and then one by one headed out to the boat.
I'll remember that cave for ever. So quiet and peaceful...
Back on the boat we headed to Capri. Said like cap (as in the hat) and ree (as in, the world split up, not said like the car.... If that makes sense). It's a small island off the mainland in the Bay of Naples crammed full of Italian families on holiday.
Across the open water, Enrico taught me to drive the boat, it was a little choppy, but nothing me and my co-captain couldn't handle. We docked and headed for lunch.
Sebastiano was clearly well known on the island, he already had a table booked at a restaurant and we all sat down. He explained that we didn't have to order, because they were going to have the best food and we could pick and choose what we liked. It was beautiful. Seafood and fish and pizza for Enrico (who sat next to me and kept trying to force feed me anchovies)
After we'd eaten, the two Brits headed into the town and I decided to stay with the family (purely for cultural reasons - the little red shorts the boys were wearing class as cultural right?) and drink more wine in the restaurant.
So while we were there, the boys tried to teach me some Italian words. I learnt 'bingenarto' not sure on the spelling, but it means, basically 'your mum' but it means the same for brother and sister. And also learnt 'ajen werto' which means, touch me quickly (basically masturbation).
Their dad kept telling them off in Italian. So I taught them some English words. I was cheeky. Taught them rimming and cottaging (got the same reaction as when I told Mary from work) and showed Ronaldo Grindr. He thought it was hilarious, his brother Enrico seemed more interested though. Once we had eaten we headed to the beach and Enrico and Ronaldo introduced me to their friends, we sat and sun bathed (I just burnt) for an hour or so. They were all hilarious. Doing impressions of each other and 'taking the piss' out of each others girlfriends. I learnt that Ronaldo didn't have a girlfriend or boyfriend, (he was definitely straight) and when asked, Enrico didn't answer, although his reaction to Grindr already told me all I needed to know.
We headed back to the boat after saying goodbye to their friends and they let me drive again. This time Enrico insisted on putting his hand on top of mine when it was on the throttle. I found this flattering.... But once I'd told him about Henry, he stopped doing it but continued to press himself against me and point things out on the coast.
When we were crossing back to the mainland we were going full pelt and Sebastiano reached up and stopped the engines. He pointed out of the boat and said 'Tuna'. Instantly the boys got excited and got their nets out. Sebastiano rowed us closer and you could see the 18inch or so tuna jumping out of the water feeding on sardines. As we just got close enough, a tuna jumped straight over Enrico's net and then they were gone. From what I could get, the family wound him up about it all the way back.
We got back to the harbour and I paid my (now vastly reduced price, from €80 to €30 which covered the food and fuel Sebastiano said) and bid my fair wells.
Back on the train to Naples (two hours) and straight to bed once I got back. I was so tired....
Best day on the trip so far. Without a doubt.
Must get me some red shorts.
Until tomorrow :)
P.S I have attached a picture of Ronaldo for you. Enrico wouldn't let me take a picture, but they're bothers, you can imagine it yourself.
And maybe Ricardo is free Saturday :-P
ReplyDeleteSorry...Ronaldo! Meh!!
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